Am I right to feel like this..?

Would it be wrong of me to say that at the present moment I really, really dislike my partner? Okay, so just reading that, yes it sounds horrible, wrong and plain nasty but it’s not like that… I don’t think anyhow…

Last night, whilst I was wrapping up Christmas presents on the floor, he said to me – out of the blue – ‘you look really fat. If that was just you it would put me off of you in an instant and I’d never be with you now’. I stared at him, opened mouthed at this comment, he sure knew how to make a girl feel special. Not. He interpreted my face correctly and then added ‘But as you’re pregnant it’s different’

Different how exactly? My body is still growing and expanding and when this baby is born I’m going to be left with saggy skin and it will most likely look like a ‘hang over’ which he’s told me from day one is the one thing which would end a relationship for him or ever prevent him starting one. When I said to him that chances are I will have a hangover he just said ‘Well, you can go to the gym then all the time when she’s born then’

He sure makes that sound easy with a toddler and a newborn to care for. And I’m not missing out on important and sentimental milestones with either of my babies just to please him.

Am I looking too much into this though? Is it because I’m classed as depressed that his comments are eating away at me and just leaving me a constant sour mood? Because from what he said last night, to me, it sounds as though he’s not attracted to me anymore and is sticking it out because he hopes I will get my body back into shape after the birth. Or is that just how I’m seeing it? I really don’t know what else to think at this moment in time to be honest and I don’t quite know how or if I have the courage to turn around and tell him how he’s made me feel and what I think he meant by his comments… I know I should just bite the bullet and ask him outright so I can work on being happy and not let one comment get out of hand like it’s beginning too; but it’s just never that easy.. Is it? 

Please, let me know what you think? Thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks. Maria x

Doctors Appointment.

Hi all, as you would have read I had a Doctor's appointment this week regarding my depression.. And just blogging about it now. 

When I woke up I felt sick from the nerves but as the time came closer to 10am it got worse and worse. In a way, I was rather grateful for my flu jab and whooping cough jab to be done on the same day as my fear for needles overpowered the fear of talking to the doctor about how I was feeling. When I left the house, my feet felt heavy and my head felt light. In a ten minute walk I must have considered turning back and going home a million times, it was the thought of my babies which spurred me on. I was doing this for them, they needed a happy mummy and I wasn't planning on letting them down. Keep thinking of the children, I told myself. And eventually I found myself sitting in the reception of the doctors. 

Then the real nerves kicked in, my palms were sweaty and I struggled to breath the more I thought about why I was here, the worst it got and anything I did couldn't take my mind off of what I was about to be doing...

Jabs were first and they weren't as bad as I thought they would be and when I was out of the nurses and waiting for the doctor to see me I felt much better.My fear of needles had definitely over whelmed me to this point. Ten whole minutes had passed from the time my jabs had  been done and a new wave of nausea was creeping over me, I just wanted to get this over and done with but the doctor was dragging his feet and spending too much time with the current patient. Of course, writing this now with a more rational mind I know that wasn't the case it just seemed like time was dragging because I was dreading talking to him about my problems. Eventually I got seen about half an hour after my appointment with the nurse.

It almost felt like a walk of shame going to the doctors room, this was it, he was going to judge me and lock me away. Or so I thought... 

He was really nice, smiled and asked how I was. I said fine, more out of habit really than anything else. He then asked why I was there to see him. I told him the midwife had referred me, he shook his head and said he didn't care about what the midwife thought, just about what I thought, why I was here seeking help and how I really felt. So, I told him pretty much the same thing I told the midwife, just with more as he had to make a diagnosis. He had asked how long I had been feeling low etc. and I told him after my miscarriage in April it really hit me in May probably and it had just gotten progressively worse over the months gone by. He listened and went to confirm that I wasn't currently pregnant. I was shocked he didn't know that I was, but from our conversation I suppose it was easy to assume that I had miscarried and wasn't ready for another try of pregnancy. I told him I was 29 weeks now and he looked a bit downcast.

He then said he had to search if there was an anti-depressant which he could prescribe for me whilst pregnant. However the one I needed, I didn't ask which, said use with precaution in pregnancy. He then looked through his medicine book and tried to either find another drug I could have without any risks. However, this wasn't the case. He explained that the risks weren't 100% but he would rather not put the foetus through any risk no matter how big or small. I agreed with this. 

The doctor went on to say that we would see how the counselling sessions went when I got my appointment through but if I really sunk low and really couldn't cope then he would prescribe me some drugs as a last resort; even though he didn't want to. He told me to take it easy and take each day as it came, but that his door was always open. 

So I've been diagnosed with depression of some sort, I just can't get the chemical balance in my brain back on track for a while; but at least I will be getting some sort of help with it. I just hope that the lowness I feel at present won't affect my little girl as compared to what the drugs could potentially do to her...

The Call Is Made...

Finally... I plucked up the courage to dial the number for my doctors surgery and book that appointment which I promised my Midwife I would do the day I saw her. She saw me on Monday 10th December 2012, and I rang up the doctors on Friday 14th. My other half kept telling me to do it but I just couldn't face it, although the midwife had assured me I was completely normal, I hated asking for stuff regarding depression...

First of all I thought I would do the easy part and book in my Whooping Cough jab and Flu Jab, both of which were recommended for me as whooping cough was making a come back and my immune system is currently really low. I think for the past few months I've had a cold at least every other week. I have a week of being able to breath properly and then another two weeks of being bunged up... 

It was all well and good booking my appointment but the nurse was on reception for some reason and  she didn't have a clue as to what she doing, or she kept getting lost in the system so she asked me to hold whilst she asked the other receptionist to help her get to the right part needed to book me into the surgery. The longer it was taking the more I was thinking, maybe I should just forget this whole thing and just tell my partner that I forgot to ask them about it and would ask them when I had the jabs, and then I could use the jabs as another excuse for forgetting to ask them about being diagnosed with depression. However, I took one look at my son playing with his toys and looking at  me, and felt my little girl kick that I realised, I can't chicken out of this. I need to get help and I need it ASAP, and me making excuses is only going to prolong it and my children don't deserve that, nor does my partner and nor do I. Besides, I had put this phone call off for a week already, I only had another two before my follow up appointment at the Midwife and she'd be furious that I hadn't done as I said I would and that she had trusted me to do something that important. 

So, taking a deep breath, once my jabs were finally booked in I quickly added that I needed to see the doctor as my midwife was referring me to him regarding depression. The nurse was kind enough to not say anything and not make me repeat anything I had just said down the phone and booked in my appointment with the doctor straight after my jabs so I could, in effect, kill two birds with one stone. That appointment is now booked for Weds 19th Dec. And quite frankly, I'm dreading it. Well, I'm currently dreading the needles a lot more than talking to the doctor, hopefully my fear of needles will over shadow the fear of talking about my problems.. We shall see..

Maria x 

28 Week Check Up - And A Confession.

I know with these blogs, some people would have appreciated it if I documented my whole pregnancy, but that's not why I wanted to start writing these. I wanted to start these because my partner and myself are wondering if I have depression and if I do then I hope I can give other people the confidence to talk to their health professional and seek advice regarding it. It's better late than never to start writing, but I actually have something that I believe is worth sharing... 

Well, I finally did it, after weeks of debating and refusing to acknowledge my situation; I hit the nail on the head and told the midwife how I felt at my 28 week check-up. Better late than never I suppose… I’ve only had three appointments this pregnancy as it’s my second, which I think is rather ridiculous and it’s meant that it’s been harder for me to actually tell someone how down I’m currently feeling. I think it helped that it wasn’t the midwife I’m assigned too as she was off for whatever reason and the woman I told had a really kind face and didn’t seem to judge, which is what I wanted when I told a professional about how I felt.

I remember waiting for my appointment in the reception part of the health center and my heart was beating like crazy and my palms were sweaty I was thinking, ‘I can’t do this, I can’t tell the midwife how I’m feeling… I don’t even know how to bring it up. It’s not a normal thing to be doing and everything is going to go wrong and she’s going to judge me and social services are going to get involved and my babies will be taken away from me…’

When I got called in I felt sick and dizzy, I couldn’t really do this, could I? I sat silently and answered the normal questions about how I was and how pregnancy had been so far, I lied through it saying I was good. Then she got to the questions where they have to record an answer, rather than just general chit chat and she asked me if I had been feeling down, low or depressed recently. I took this as my cue to finally get it off my chest and tell somebody. I said that actually, I had been feeling down and not myself at all. She looked sympathetic and handed me a tissue, sitting a little bit closer as I half cried half talked to her. When I had finally told her I felt so much better, like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and now something was going to get done about it at long last.

The midwife told me that telling someone was the hardest part and that she would write as much as she could down in the letters that she was going to send to my doctor and the mental health unit at the hospital so that I wouldn’t have to keep on repeating myself. Although deep down I knew that no matter how much she wrote I would still have to tell them for myself as they would want to hear what I had to say not the interpretation of the midwife, although it did make me feel that much better that she was trying to do something for me and save me more grievances further down the line. She also assured me that I was completely normal and that depression; whether it is during or after pregnancy was very common among women and it was nothing to be ashamed about. She said it that it was natural that after my miscarriage earlier in the year I was feeling the effects of it now I was pregnant again, but I was still completely normal.

She continued reassuring me until I had calmed myself down and was breathing normally again. She then said that she wasn’t palming me off onto other people, (the doctor and the hospital) but it had to be done because she wasn’t qualified to make a diagnosis and the doctor could work out if I needed to be on any medication or not. She did say though that as well as writing to the medical professionals she would also get my local sure start centre to contact me. She explained that they would call me up and make an appointment to come to my house and introduce themselves to myself and my family and then slowly, when I felt I was ready they would introduce me to baby and toddler groups and get me involved socially. She also went on to say that sure start would probably also offer me counselling sessions and that I ought to take them up on that offer because medication alone wouldn’t help. This I knew from studying psychology at A level a few years ago.

After all the panicking I did before, I left the room feeling much more positive about the whole situation now that I had gotten the ball rolling and that something was going to get done about how I felt. I promised the midwife that I would call up my doctor regarding a review about my mental health and my jabs and she arranged an appointment in three week’s time, for new year’s eve, day so we could see where things were in the system and to make sure nothing had gotten lost in between that time. 

An Introduction...

Hello, my name is Maria, I'm a young mum after having my son in 2011, who will be referred to as Baby X in these blogs, when I was 19 years old. I love being a mum, it's everything to me and my son is my world. I'm currently in my third pregnancy, one of which was a miscarriage back in April 2012. As I write this, I have just hit 29 weeks with a little pink bundle of joy, and I'm rather excited. It now means I've got most parents dream of having a boy and a girl in my life. Baby number two/three (depending on how you look at it) is due March 2nd 2013, so time is flying by!

I will be writing blogs on issues in my current pregnancy and how it will be bringing up a nearly two year old and a newborn baby, I'm going to have my hands full that's for sure! But I think I was born to be a mummy as I've always been very maternal towards my brother and my friends since I was six. Strange, but true. 

There may also be blogs where I reflect on my miscarriage and how I coped with it etc. it will depend on my mood I think. I hope though, that my blogs are read and will help other women who have to deal with the loss of a child or anything else I may experience. It's nice to have someone who you can relate to even if it's only over the internet...

That's all for now, I hope you'll stay tuned! :) 

Lots of love,

Maria x x x